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| 11:26am 16/08/2006 |
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I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
[Chorus]
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
[Chorus x2]
"Scars" - Papa Roach |
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| Been a while |
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| 10:47am 16/08/2006 |
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My books are coming in now. I have the APA style, my drug book, my personality book and my stats book. Not too bad. The book list for Massasoit goes up on the 20th so I need to make sure I have $$ for that. I have about $60 and that should be enough. My personality book just came about 5 mins ago. Shipped in from overseas. Three more books to go.
I leave for the Cape tomorrow. Yay. Tomorrow is 11 months with Keri. Yay. We've been together about a year but made it official in Sept.
Bunny's doing it again . . .
She jumped her cage, crashed into a bunch of stuff sending it flying across the floor, and then hopped out here and hid.
Under the rocking chair
She dropped most of her hay. Now she is laying down. |
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| 02:57pm 10/08/2006 |
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Textbooks!!
I paid: $361.97
Ellie Webber added a new book to the list. Apa style guide, it's cool.
If I had bought my books through the school: $562.25
I saved: $200.28 and Keri owes me $37.97 for her half of 2 books. Not bad. |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| song lyrics . . . songs to cry to |
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| 11:04pm 09/08/2006 |
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If you don't wanna love me
Then I'll find somebody else who will
Find another kind of thrill
Find another way to fill this loneliness
[Verse 1 - Cowboy Troy]
A married couple with kids and a family pet
He takes for granted that it's all good, and things are set
But she feels no passion in the romance
It's been a year since they had their last slow dance
Even worse her husband treats her like an ornament
Every other week the kids have a tournament
A team meeting or somewhere they gotta be
But her heart's screamin', "Hey what about me?"
Unbeknownst, another hound is in the chicken coop
And he's makin' moves like a player to the hoop
She met him at the gym or was it at the grocery?
It doesn't matter 'cause you know where it's goin'
'Cause last year, her mister got caught cheatin'
So she figures this is gonna make 'em even
He thought she'd wait like all the times before
Until he found the note she left for him hanging on the door
It read...
[Chorus x 2 - Sarah Buxton (Cowboy Troy)]
If you don't wanna love me
Then I'll find somebody else who will (I'll find somebody else
who will)
Find another kind of thrill
Find another way to fill this loneliness
[Verse 2 - Cowboy Troy (Sarah Buxton)]
She's sixteen, callin' home to her mama
Afraid to talk 'cause she scared of all the noise and drama
She's been gone for a week and a half
All she wants is something to eat and a nap
Cause she's a runaway (runaway, runaway)
Sleepin' under bridges and sleepin' in alleyways
Afraid to go the shelter so at night she prays
That hopefully she's gonna see some better days
Meanwhile Mom and Dad are really frantic
when they saw her clothes were gone
you know they really panicked
thoughts in their mind, "Did she run to the border?"
Or even worse "Will she be a case on Law and Order?"
The silence in her room screams of not feelin' wanted
Of not being good enough it almost seems haunted
All her pain soon will be known
When she leaves her Mom and Dad a message after the tone and
says....
[Chorus x 2 - Sarah Buxton (Cowboy Troy)]
If you don't wanna love me
Then I'll find somebody else who will (I'll find somebody else
who will)
Find another kind of thrill
Find another way to fill this loneliness
[Sarah Buxton + Cowboy Troy]
If you really wanna know me
I guess you better show me
Is it real or is it phony?
Just love me or leave me alone
[Chorus until end - Sarah Buxton (Cowboy Troy)]
If you don't wanna love me
Then I'll find somebody else who will (I'll find somebody else
who will)
Find another kind of thrill
Find another way to fill this loneliness
-Cowboy Troy "If you don't wanna love me"
Dedicated to all of those in my past who have left me or who I have left.
Somewhere there's a stolen halo
I used to watch her wear it well.
Everything would shine wherever she would go
But lookin at her now you'd never tell.
Someone ran away with her innocence;
A memory she can't get out of her head.
And I can only imagine what she's feelin when she's pray'n
Knealing at the edge of her bed.
(Chrous)
And she says - take me away
And take me father
Surround me now,
And hold - hold - hold me like holy water holy water
She wants someone to call her angel,
Someone to put the light back in her eyes,
She's looking through the faces and the unfamiliar places
She needs somone to hear her when she cries.
And she says - take me away
And take me father
Surround me now,
And hold - hold - hold me like holy water
She just needs a little help to wash away the pain she's felt
She wants to feel the healing hands of someone who understands
And she says - take me away
And take me father
Surround me now,
And hold - hold - hold me
And she says
Take me away
And take me father
Surround me now,
And hold - hold - hold me like holy water
Like holy water, like holy water, like holy water
-Big and Rich "Holy Water" |
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| 12:03pm 07/08/2006 |
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People need to buy bunnies so I can sell my rabbit cages. I have items listed on craigslist and on swapsimple.com. I'm having a tag sale the last fri, sat, sun of this month. Happy times.
So, my textbooks, if I but them through efollet, will cost me over $500. I cannot afford that. not at all. I'm looking around. I bought my stats book - $66, including s&h from Singapore. It's an international edition, comes with the CD, and is nearly half the price of what I would have paid through the school. Problem: I might need a calculator, like one of those expensive ones. The weird numbers.
I'm going to eat lunch and go back to quilting.
People come to my tag sale!!! |
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| Financial Update |
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| 03:11pm 31/07/2006 |
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After talking with both VSAC and JSC Financial Aid nothing is solved. I owe the school $2,499 because the person in charge of the loans split my one semester loan over two semesters. I called VSAC, nothing they can do about it because the school changed it and the school has the power to - I filled out the application requesting the money for one semester. JSC is now saying oh no you're not elgible for that amount anymore. So they knocked 2,000 of the original loan amount of $9,000. I need a loan in the amount of $8,200 to cover tuition after the fees. But they will only give me $7,000 if I am lucky. Any way this goes at JSC, I will end up owing money that I do not have, will not have, and cannot get.
I just applied to WSC as an evening transfer student for the fall. I'm still going to apply as a day student for the spring. |
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| sprinkles |
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| 09:03pm 30/07/2006 |
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chocolate sprinkles and rainbow sprinkles
or
jimmies and sprinkles
. . .
today I learned "jimmies" is a racial slur for African Americans. |
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| 07:11pm 30/07/2006 |
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my laptop makes really weird and freaky beeping noises . . . |
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| 04:58pm 28/07/2006 |
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So who lost their job? Their 15hr/week job?
Yes, that is right.
And, my hamster escaped and I can't find him. |
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Read 5 - Post |
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| 09:46pm 22/07/2006 |
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Another song, from me to you.
"Why, Why, Why"
I've been your lover, I've been your friend
I've been your faithful one-woman man
I've been your diamond in the rough
Now you say you wanna polish me up
[Chorus]
Why, why, why do you wanna change me now?
Ain't I the one you loved everything about?
You might start missin' the old me around
So why, why, why do you wanna change me now
I remember you used to like
Walkin' with me on my wilder side
My kind of crazy turned you on
Do you really want that part of me gone?
[Chorus]
Why, why, why do you wanna change me now?
Ain't I the one you loved everything about?
You might start missin' the old me around
So why, why, why do you wanna change me now
Why, why, why
Ain't I the one?
You might start missin'
[Chorus]
Why, why, why do you wanna change me now?
Ain't I the one you loved everything about?
You might start missin' the old me around
So why, why, why do you wanna change me now
"Why, why, why" Billy Currington |
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| 11:29am 22/07/2006 |
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mood:  cheerful
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From me to Keri. Some people change . . . but don't pressure us to change.
His old man was a rebel yeller:
Bad boy to the bone.
He'd say: "Can't trust that other fella,"
He'd judge 'em by the tone of their skin.
He was raised to think like his Dad:
Narrow mind full of hate.
On the road to no-where fast,
Till the Grace of God got in the way.
Then he saw the Light an' hit his knees an' cried an' said a prayer:
Rose up a brand new man; left the old one right there.
Here's to the strong; thanks to the brave.
Don't give up hope: some people change.
Against all odds, against the grain,
Love finds a way: some people change.
She was born with her mother's habit:
You could say: "It's in her blood."
She hates that she's gotta have it:
As she fills her glass up.
An' she'd love to kill that bottle,
But all she can think about,
Is a, a better life, a second chance,
An' everyone she's letting down.
She throws that bottle down.
Here's to the strong; thanks to the brave.
Don't give up hope: some people change.
Against all odds, against the grain,
Love finds a way: some people change.
Thank God for those who make it:
Let them be the Light.
(Let them be the light)
(Some people change.)
Here's to the strong; thanks to the brave.
Don't give up hope: some people change.
Against all odds, against the grain,
Love finds a way: some people change.
Some people change.
(Some people change)
"Some People Change" - Kenny Chesney, Montgomery Gentry |
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| Why me |
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| 10:53pm 18/07/2006 |
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mood:  mellow
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Why do I even ask why me? I am destined to live a hard life and struggling until I am at least 25. I figure by 25 I will be in a better situation.
A situation where I will be out of school and paying off school loans.
A situation where I will have a computer that does not break down.
A situation where my credit card debt is non-existent.
A situation where I will have my own place, my own fridge, my own cat, my own everything (of course sharing with Keri).
That's what I have decided.
I am sick of school. Well, not education, but college. College is so fake. I want to be out own my own - I don't care what I'm doing - I want to be with like-minded people - I want to be with people who take education seriously.
I want to be able to get up in the morning and bike to where I need to be.
I want to be able to come home at night, early, and make dinner for Keri so she'll have a meal when she comes home from school.
I want to be able to have my own garden, grow my own flowers, grow & eat my own vegetables and herbs.
So, I am 21 now . . . have an insane amount of debt in (mainly) private student loans, have about $5,000 in credit card debt (thank you tuition & wisdom teeth), and have no current future steady job. Currently the future doesn't look so great, but here's what I do know:
1. I am moving back home in December and going to Westfield State for at least 2 semesters.
2. I have a job when I come back home, hopefully.
3. I am moving to Greenfield either in Jan/Feb '08 or in late spring/early summer '08 (depends on when I finish up courses at WSC).
Because life has been so unkind to me lately, I want to list all the positive things in my life.
*my CCCC course is going extremely well. I really like it.
*I have a job and am absolutely thankful for that. It's only 15/wk but it's income.
*I have clothes for the next year: 15 new shirts, 5 new pants. All for a really low price - under $150.
*my parents are building me a new room to live in, apartment style, when I come home.
*I changed my course schedule at JSC and am happy with it.
*I am furrier which makes me smile.
*I weigh around 135lbs and my blood pressure is about 100/68 . . . I am healthy!!! Whee!
*I have Keri.
*the Cape trip is soon-ish and Sarah is going and that's amazing.
*I have put on some muscle.
*my morning glories and beans are growing!
*I have super gigantic marigolds and eggplant that my mom bought me.
*Bunny does not smell :)
*Keri and I had *fun* this weekend. Not sex, but still it was great.
*I have a $1,000 scholarship coming to me August 1.
I don't know if the positives outweight the negatives but I'm glad there's a mix and it isn't all negative.
Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Say's I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do
You still walk the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to You
That's when you learn the truth
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundered different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying, Yeah
But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back upon your feet
The one's that you been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be free
Guess what I'm saying
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
-Rodney Atkins "If you're going through hell" |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| 11:01pm 10/07/2006 |
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mood: chipper music: who you'd be today
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(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| ✓ I miss somebody right now. (Everytime we're apart I miss her.) |
✓ I don't watch much TV these days. |
✓ I own lots of books. |
| ✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses. |
× I love to play video games. |
× I've tried marijuana. |
| ✓ I've watched porn movies. |
✓ I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. (Does an almost relationship count?) |
✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. |
| ✓ I curse sometimes. |
✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. |
✓ I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. (Pocket knife on my school keychain - gift from Keri.) |
( it goes on... ) |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| 10:24pm 09/07/2006 |
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Fall Class Schedule
Monday/Wednesday
8:30 Prob & Stats
11:30 Theories of Personality
1:00 Intro to Lit
Tuesday/Thursday
8:30 Developmental Psychology
Thursday
4:00 Drugs, Herbs, and Society
Online
Educational Psychology
JSC credits = 18
MCC Online
Organizational Behaviour
US History 2
Massasoit credits = 6 |
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| 09:04pm 28/06/2006 |
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mood:  upset music: american pie
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Sometimes I wonder about myself. Caring about people and things always seem to work against me. Always. If I could, I'd just stop caring and say "fuck you" to the world and everyone in it.
I'm not feeling so bold
Can't you see I don't want to grow old
And my photograph's an epitaph of parody
I don't want to be me
I'm not feeling so sure
It would help if you offer a cure
If I wait, it's too late for the remedy
I don't want to be me
You won't save me
Cause I'm not the fortunate one
So don't blame me
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run
I'm not feeling so well
Maybe we could just sit for a spell
And make amends, it depends on my injury
I don't want to be me
I don't want to be me
I don't want to be me
You won't save me
Cause I'm not the fortunate one
So don't blame me
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run.
Amanda Clemens - I don't want to be me |
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Read 2 - Post |
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strikemesilent's journal
